Olivia shares how coming to a ‘Loved’ miscarriage healing day helped her to ‘see the light from a very dark place.’
This is my story…
My life back in 2016 was a far cry from what it is now. I was in a marriage that was consumed by abuse, lies and violence. I wondered at times how it would end for me and my son, who was from a past relationship.
Up until this point I had been adamant that anymore children was out of the picture. I had my son and a step son. I had drifted away from my faith, as the shame I was carrying from the marriage I was in, was too much.
When I found out I was pregnant, I feared what people including my husband would say. Even though I had previously said that I did not want any more kids, I couldn’t help but feel love for this new life. After all, I was doing a good job so far as a mum. I could do this.
My husband reacted how I feared, and with a few pushes, the decision had been taken from me. Sat in the nurses’ room, being told that my pregnancy after ten weeks, was now coming to end, was hard to hear. “Take these pain killers, four antibiotics before bed and these six tablets to help end the pregnancy and go home”. Apparently, there was nothing they could do.
Having to carry on with family life that night was hard, and not just because of the feeling of guilt and isolation. The image of flushing away something that I loved would remain with me for years. “At least you still have one”, “Just get over it” and “Be grateful that you have one” were phrases that would be repeated to me over and over.
After the marriage had finally run its course, not long after this, I still carried the guilt, feelings of being a failure and shame around.
It was only after finding my faith again and learning to talk about the experience with a close friend that the healing process began. During the One event, (a Christian event held in Lincolnshire every August), I was taken to a seminar about miscarriage with this friend, and she held my hand the entire way through as tears streamed down my face. I was not the only one who had lost something they loved and could not grieve for their loss.
The seminar was tough, but at the same time it was apparent that we both needed healing. After the meeting we needed a hot chocolate with all the trimmings and the biggest cookie we could find! We both agreed that the retreat is what we needed.
We booked on the retreat as soon as we were home, and two months later we were driving down.
Now sat in a lovely house. The kind of house that felt like a big warm blanket and the people there made you feel like family. I remember thinking, “Why are they being nice? I don’t deserve that. I am not worthy.”
We all shared our stories of what happened, and we felt safe to open truthfully about our experiences and it was comforting to know, that no matter the circumstances of losing the pregnancy, we all shared the same feelings.
We prayed, cried, shared and laughed throughout the day. And slowly I could feel the weight being lifted. Finally during a piece of music I heard a voice say “Enough my child… enough”. I knew that it was time now to let go of the shame and guilt.
Releasing the balloons into the air in memory of the babies that was lost, is a memory that I will forever hold in my heart. Finally, my baby was recognised, and I was allowed to grieve.
I don’t think that it is an experience that you can ever truly “deal with” or “get over it”. But I have learnt to talk about it to release the sense of failure from within. The past can shape us, but it doesn’t have to consume us.
Now it’s 2018, and I am engaged to a wonderful man and I have two amazing step children who I love immensely. Since the retreat my life has blossomed and flourished. I feel lighter and stronger and I now always put God in the centre of all things. I am now open to him and my faith has grown so much. God has completely turned my life around and helped me see, I am worthy, and I deserve a happy ending.
I am thankful for the seminar, the retreat, every single one of the ladies there and for the opportunity to heal. It truly helps see the light from a very dark place.