Through the eyes of a husband and wife…
God has searched me and he knows me…he knows everything about me. He knew that I would come to Edinburgh to study, meet Jodie, fall in love and that we would fall pregnant. He knew that we would decide to have an abortion. And He knew that after only going to Destiny Church in Edinburgh a few times, George Verwer would be there and during a Q&A would utter the words “Wake up! Don’t you know people in church have abortions?” – the day before we were due to go into hospital. If we had gone to talk to someone, would things have turned out differently?
On the 10th of September 2012 our lives would change forever. After a year of trying to block it out completely the overwhelming grief came. But praise God, so did the scripture, the pastoral support and the words of knowledge. We have been met with so much love and grace and we are thankful for the people in this church that allow God to speak through them and impact the lives of others.
But there was more than just myself and my wife involved in this. There was a child. Our child. Not just cells or a fetus… our child. Hand crafted by God in Jodie’s womb. We will never know on this side of eternity who our child was made to be. What he looked like. Who he would interact with. How he would play with his friends. What would his impact and legacy be? What would his smile be like?
The only way we have been able to come to terms with what happened is by taking it to the cross. Jesus is completely ok with your life being messy – that’s what he came for. He has dealt with ALL of our sin and he rose again so that we could have new life in Him. He sees us as spotless. Do not let your guilt and shame come between you and Jesus. It still hurts, but one day we will meet our child face to face, and even better – we’ll meet our Saviour.”
“I never thought that having an abortion would be a decision that I would make, but when I fell pregnant outside of marriage I didn’t think there was another option. I didn’t have a grasp of God’s grace at the time, but it would definitely bring me to an understanding afterwards of exactly why I need Him. Abortion is taking a life that God has created and I will never try and justify what I did. At the point of termination my baby had hands and feet, and tiny fingernails and teeth. His gender had been decided from the moment of conception.
Grieving was not something that even came to my mind pre-termination. Afterwards I would deny what happened for a long time, I got angry at myself and the doctors and the NHS system, I asked all the “whys?” and the “what ifs?” and then deep sadness would kick in and I would struggle coming to terms with what happened. But even through all of this I have never lost hope.
God is always with us – He was there in the room when I was under anaesthetic, He is with me when I cry and He will be with me as I continue to walk with Him on this journey of healing. God has given others words of knowledge and passages of scripture that have greatly encouraged me and assured me of His nearness and working in my life through this situation, no matter how tough things seem.
I have asked for God’s forgiveness. God dealt with all of my sin on the cross and He has taken away all of my guilt. Although regret is something I am still battling with, I am comforted knowing that God loves me totally and has forgiven me completely, and that I can be presented before His glorious presence spotless – and with great joy! because of Jesus. (Jude 1:24) With an eternal perspective, I know that the time spent without my son on earth will be unbelievably short compared to the time I will spend with him, and my awesome Saviour, in Heaven.”