Sandra’s Story

Sandra attended a post abortion healing group, in Illinois, USA, which was introduced by Jenny Baines. Sandra shared this with us…

‘Twelve years ago this past April, I terminated a pregnancy, and I haven’t been the same since. I’ve hated myself since the very moment it was over; I’ve abused myself mentally and physically. I’ve felt as if I deserved everything bad that has happened, and my ultimate fear has been that I will never have children.
For the past 10 weeks I have been taking a course called the Journey. It focuses on post abortion recovery. I’ve learned so much about myself and who I have become. Honestly, I don’t like it. I’ve been trying to fill a void that will always be part of my story. No matter how I much I tried to forget about it, I just kept digging myself deeper into depression, deeper into self- hate. What makes it worse is that I have suffered in silence. I am extremely close to my family and I can’t even tell them. I have been taking care of children since I was 10 years old and I couldn’t even keep my own baby. What its wrong with me? I’ve put up a front for so many years, it’s normal for me to pretend I’m okay. It’s normal for me to believe the lies I tell myself about me.
During this class I’ve had to take many uncomfortable steps and I’ve been fighting it every step of the way. It’s difficult to receive healing when you think you deserve to be hurt and deserve to be punished. Over the last five weeks, I have been stuck with guilt and shame. Last week, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. Though I asked for forgiveness 12 years ago, this is the first time I have felt it in my heart. Jesus forgives me and so does my baby. I can finally say I forgive myself. I’ll get to meet my baby in Heaven, and I’ve given him a name which means’ Forgiver’.
At 33 years old, I’ve missed so much time. Therefore, I’ve decided to live instead of just exist. A change is coming and I can’t wait! I thank God for this continuous healing and the four amazing women who have been with me every step of the way.’